Definitely Listening

Have you ever wondered if anyone is listening? I have. And I don’t mean just with their ears. Like, is anyone paying attention to the inflections in my voice, or lack there of? Is anyone concerned that I am not able to accept a compliment? Does anyone worry that I seem to not find enjoyment in anything? People ask, “how are you doing”, but don’t really want to know the answer. They aren’t listening. They stare at their phones while you tell them about how you haven’t eaten much this week. They then complain about how they have no Wi-Fi service, and ask are you able to connect. Connect. Of course, the answer is no.

I haven’t been able to connect in years.

What if people actually listened twice as much as they spoke? Or for once, put their phones down and made eye contact with the person who’s talking. Does anyone know how to do that anymore? I am certain that if someone actually paid attention they would notice the bags under my eyes, and the fact that my clothes are about 2 sizes too big these days. They would notice I don’t dress as if I’m going anywhere, and maybe they would ask if I was all right, and listen to my answer. Maybe they would empathize with me, maybe we would be in the same boat, or perhaps they might have a remedy for my problems. Maybe they’ve been here before. What if people unplugged and tuned in?

How can we learn to be better listeners? Well, for one thing, we can start by actually caring what people have to say. If we care, we will listen. There’s no way around that. I listen to things I care about. Music, the news, those stupid housewife shows. People listen to those things because they are of interest to you. People even set aside time for those things. Some folks even plan dates around these events. Jay Z’s new album… Many know more about him than they know about their own family members. Because they listened. If we care at all about the people around us, we will listen to what it is they have to say.

What has becoming a better listener taught me? It’s taught me that I’m not always right. I had gotten it in my mind that I am right all the time. I’ve started listening to the viewpoints of others, and have discovered that sometimes, there is more than one right way to do things. Sometimes I’m just flat out wrong. And sometimes, I was right all along. I learned that other people have had the same issues that I’ve had. That I’m not alone in this boat. Sometimes you have to shut up and listen to realize there are other cries for help out there besides your own. Listening has made me a better mentor, a better teacher, and a better leader. I am able to assess the world around me better because I’m paying attention. I’m still learning to unplug. I am working on being a better listener every day. Being present. Being grounded. And being someone others can count on to listen to them in their time of need.  - NS

Reflection

Establishing boundaries is something that starts when we are children. We learn what people are allowed to do to, or with, us. We learn this from the adults that surround us. We learn which names we will allow people to call us. We learn how people are supposed to make us feel. How they’re supposed to touch us. We learn what we must allow.

I taught my children never to allow anyone to call them by a name that made them feel anything less than what they are; bold, brilliant and beautiful. They knew not to let anyone touch them inappropriately from an early age, and not to be afraid to speak up. My children have boundaries.

Some of us, though, are out here living without boundaries. Adults without boundaries…

Imagine being struck out of anger, called belittling names for no reason, and inappropriately touched at an early age. Imagine if nobody told your younger self that this was wrong. Imagine growing up knowing that these things were not okay, but also feeling like they must be accepted as your reality. Bullies. Child molesters. Verbal and physical abusers. What does that do to the adult psyche? Even as adults these images continue to haunt us, and our learned behaviors follow us into many aspects of our lives.

Our finances. Our relationships. Our self-confidence.

Even though we are able to teach our children how they should allow people to treat them, as adults, we still allow people to overstep the boundaries that we know we should have. We have been conditioned that using the word “no” is bad, instead of an absolute necessity. We have been taught to accept what is given to us. Good or bad. We deserve it. We know that disappointing others is not allowed, although others can disappoint us without a second thought. And we need to accept this as this thing called “life”. We will do things for others that they would never do for us, all in the name of acceptance. We are the punch line, and sometimes even partake in our own self-shaming rituals. We allow others to dictate our time. Because our time has no value. Our bodies have no value. We have no value… if we don’t have boundaries.

Establishing boundaries is something that starts when we are children, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. Sometimes we make it all the way to adulthood before realizing that we deserve to be treated with respect. And although we may know what that looks like for others, we may struggle with setting our own boundaries. We may come off as aggressive when first using the word "no". Pent up anger and years of frustration will do that. We may seem reclusive when in actuality we are just wanting a day to ourselves. It may take others some time to get used to this new, self-care practicing adult. Setting a new precedent for how you will be treated is important, and they will either get used to the new you or move on to other things.

As you continue your journey to setting boundaries, remember these affirmations. You will learn to communicate your feelings without worrying about what others think. Your feelings are your own. You will know that your body is sacred, and you won’t allow others to use it in ways that only satisfy them. You will practice self-care. You will not partake in the body shaming and dehumanizing antics of our society. You will not feel the need to fill every need. You will not allow people to monopolize your time for their own personal gain. You will charge your worth. You will value your own time, and in turn, so will others. You deserve respect. You have boundaries.

- ND

Definitely Slacking

This is supposed to be a shared experience. It’s in my mission statement and everything and, admittedly, I have not been sharing. So much has happened since the New Year, and I’ve been Definitely Slacking on my blogging. Since there’s a lot to unpack here, I’m going to break this blog down into 3 categories: mental health, nutrition, and other stuff. It’s interesting that I finally decided to update this blog today, the first day of Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose and mission of Nikky Definitely Inc. is to educate WOC about mental health issues and eating disorders. Today is a great day to start blogging about my experiences with those disorders again. The idea of this blog is to be as transparent as possible, so I’m going to be honest. I am not the best patient. I’ve learned that I am impatient, and sometimes unwilling to follow directions. I thought I would be pretty much done with anxiety by now, and that panic attacks would be a thing of the past. The truth is, I had one not less than two weeks ago when I was forced to shop for new clothes (I’ll get to that later). 

Mental Health

Anxiety and I have a complex relationship. On one hand, I hate that I always expect the worst-case scenario. I find that I have to rationalize with myself often. For example, I may find myself saying, “Nicole, you do realize that just because (enter person's name here) didn’t answer your text right away doesn’t mean that they’re in a ditch somewhere, right? You know this!” And my response will be, “Yeah, yeah I know. But… technically… (enter made-up statistic here).”

On the other hand, there are times when I will tell myself, “Okay, but just go and check ONE more time and make sure you turned off the hot plate.” And sure enough, I'll find that I've left the hotplate on again, and I’m like, “High-5 Anxiety! You rock!” I know most of you probably call that second scenario a hunch, but in my world anxiety and hunches feel and act the same. So I’m never really sure which is which. I’m still learning how to manage anxiety and panic, and I hoped I would be an expert at it by now. I'm still learning to be patient with myself.

My depression has gotten a bit better. Turns out that actually talking about your problems makes things better. Most of my life I’ve been told that I shouldn’t share my emotions, and how nobody likes a pity party and all that. I was never looking for pity; I just wanted someone to listen. But after being silent for 38 years, it was hard to speak up at first. I still have counseling sessions where I would rather not address the issues that need attention. But that’s getting better. The more I talk, the better I feel. (Side note: I wrote a short blog on IG titled “Why I Fired My Therapist”. Maybe I’ll move it here so it’s easier to find.)

In general, I feel a little more stable than I did 8 months ago when our house flooded in “The Great Flood of 2016”. I still look around the house and wonder how on earth we will ever get this place back to something recognizable. I don’t talk about the house much; I didn’t realize that this silence would lead some of my friends to believe that our house was already repaired. I know that there are people who got so much more water during the flood than we did, and I feel like I have no room to complain if there are people worse off than we are. But FYI, we’re practically camping out over here, hence, the hotplate situation.

 Nutrition

Having a nutritionist has kept me mostly honest about my eating habits. I don’t always get three meals a day, but when I skip, I have a meal replacement drink. I know that I need to stop skipping meals. Most of the time I skip because I’m busy, and I’ve not been restricting as much as I used to. I have reached a healthier weight, but apparently, that’s not enough to say I’m fully recovered. Last week my nutritionist and I did a body tracing. After we were finished outlining my body, I looked at the paper and immediately thought, “who is she?” I was supposed to lay the drawing out at home and write my feelings on it… she’s still in the back seat of my car. I suppose moving her inside would be an improvement from the back seat of my car, even if I don’t want to look at her right now. Thank goodness my nutritionist has been patient with me.

So back to clothes shopping! When you gain weight, you outgrow your clothes. When you lose weight, you shrink out of your clothes. I’ve grown and shrunk out of my clothes so often I’ve kinda gotten used to it. But once I started gaining weight and keeping it on, I realized I needed new clothes. It was that, or lose the weight again, and losing the weight would be counterproductive. I went shopping for new clothes out of sheer necessity. I don’t enjoy shopping of any sort, so this wasn’t a fun experience for me. I was with my sons and we were in a store that had really hot spotlights for some kind of marketing affect I suppose, and I think their air conditioner must have been broken as well because it was at least 1000 degrees in there. Combining my sheer hate for shopping with the sweltering heat, I was having a pretty miserable time. I finally got out of there with 4 pairs of pants and a couple of shirts and then the next thing I knew, the palpitations started. I was sweating even though it was much cooler outside of the store. I knew the signs; I knew I was panicking. These days, when I start to panic there’s a feeling of disappointment. Like, really? You can’t even handle a little shopping? I told the boys I would be back and went to the bathroom to wet my face. I sent my husband a text. We chatted a bit. I took some calming breaths. I finally felt good enough to leave the mall without causing a complete scene. I came out of the bathroom and my younger son says, “Were you pooping? Eric says you were pooping.” Needless to say, I won’t be clothes shopping again anytime soon. These pants are going to have to last awhile.

I’ve met a few Black women online that have ED and body image issues. It’s been interesting. At first, I wanted to find other Black women with these issues because I figured we could support each other. But when I finally found them, I realized how sad it is that they are going through the same thing I am and that I actually wish that they were totally healthy and happy with their bodies. Every now and then I wonder if reaching out to the public with my story was the right thing to do. But then I get a text or an email or a phone call from someone telling me about how my story has helped them… and then I just keep sharing.

Other Stuff

So let’s see. I was following Trump’s first 100 days up until about day 67, and then I gave up. Not sure how far y’all got. That’s all I have there. Then I started doing the baby bump watch. Beyoncé, Ciara, and now Serena have kept me pretty much covered in that department. Ciara had her baby recently, and I am anxiously awaiting the birth of the Royal Twins. Blue Ivy is going to be such an awesome sibling manager. I’ve been keeping up with the Obama’s. That should be a title of a reality show. I think my favorite POTUS is up to something, whatever it is, it’s gonna be epic. Oh, and I’ve become a podcast junkie… I’ve got 9 in heavy rotation right now: Side Hustle Pro, Edge of Sports, Politically Re-Active, Black Girl in Om, The Read, The Extraordinary Negros, University College, She’s Beauty and the Beast, and Myleik Teele’s Podcast. I stay pretty much current on all things business/politics/and non-sense this way. I think that’s it for Other Stuff.

I won’t make any promises that I can’t keep. I hope to blog more often than every 4-5 months. If you’ve been following me on IG then you already know that I have a lot of irons in the fire, and they keep me pretty busy. Thank you for following my story, and stay tuned!

– Love, Nikky