Definitely Frontin'

I've always been a humble person. I don't often "toot my own horn", and when I do run around proclaiming how awesome I am, I am most Definitely Frontin'.  (Click here for a dance break...) One time I was at the mall with my sister and she was waving at strangers. And I was like, "what are you doing?" And she was like, "Fake it til you make it. I'm gonna be famous one day." She was in her teens. She is pretty popular these days...

I'm the most introverted person I know. I want to be invited places, but I don't actually want to go. I don't want to be around people, but I get super lonely. I would rather text you than call you. You know, I'm that girl. Every now and then I like to dress up, but then I wonder if I actually look good, and am I too skinny for this dress, and did my makeup sufficiently cover up my zits, and all that. 

But for public purposes that are absolutely necessary (you know I taught for about 5 years), I started using that "fake it til you make it" mentality. You would never know that I was a depressed introvert by the way I would walk into a room; smiling, back straight, side glance (left), side glace (right), shoulder shrug, "HEY GUUURL!" Frontin'. 

Why do I do that?

Well I found this article awhile ago, and the first thing on the list was FRONTIN'!! There's 10 other listed habits, and I think that a lot of these rang true for me. Thought I would share with you, in case you are one of those people that be Definitely Frontin' too... According to the article in Huffington Post, (linked above), there's 11 habits in which depressed people partake.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat. (ie. Frontin')

For me this is very true. I grew up as the peacekeeper in my family since people were always at odds with eachother. I learned how to smile even though things were really bad, and nobody seemed to suspect anything. 

2. They may have habitual remedies.

Mine is shopping. And since I can shop online, it's even worse (better?). I mean, now I don't have to see people! (The introvert in me just cheered.)

3. They may have trouble with abandonment. 

The few people that I have decided I NEED, I actually need them. I have no idea what I would do without them, and I mean that quite literally.

4. They can be pros at “cover-up” stories.

I'm fine, thanks!

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.

My sleeping habits suck big time. I fall asleep at 7pm, wake up at 3am, eat at 4am, stay up til 5am, wonder why I did that at 6am... Hollar if you Hear Me... and of course you know about my poor relationship with food if you've read "Definately Skinny". If not, go back and take a look.

6. They may understand substances differently.

Well, I know a lot about this because I happen to be a nurse. But, I do understand how substances affect my depression. I know that if I drink coffee and rootbeer, I'm just a hyper depressed person. Which leads me to being anxious. And if I drink a margarita, I'm a sleepy depressed person, which just adds to my terrible sleeping patterns. Neither change the fact that I am depressed. 

7. They may exhibit a very involved perception of life and death.

I see death as a passage from one world to another. Whether you believe in God or not doesn't matter. I look at the soul as energy, and once the body gets tired, that energy just keeps on going. And it gets deeper than that, but I won't bog you down right now.

8. They are often uniquely talented and expressive.

I'm not sure if I'm talented. I've been called expressive, and I'm good at a lot of things. But isn't that kinda true for everyone?

9. They are often searching for a purpose.

Yep. That's why I'm here. I thought for a long time that nursing was my calling, and that my calling was  my purpose. Lately I don't think so. I also wonder if anyone EVER finds their purpose. I know that many people of religious faith claim that their purpose on earth is to serve their creator. And of course I want to make sure that whatever I do is what I was put here to do. I mean, what is that though? And how does one know that? (Y'all thought I had it all together didn't you?)

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.

...yeah...

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does. 

Also true. Who doesn't want to be loved and accepted, right? That's why I front like I'm dope, when really I just wish that I was... - ND

 

Definitely Mothering

When I started this project, I promised myself that I would update this blog every day for the month of November. I skipped yesterday, but with good reason. Yesterday, after working all day, I worked in the visitor's side concession stand at the high school football game. Not because I love making nachos, but because they need volunteers. And it's a decent way to raise funds for my son's band trips. He's a senior now, and last night was senior night. They recognized the seniors in the band at halftime, and I got this lovely rose, and my husband got a really nice pen...

It was really surreal because 17 years ago my son and I were homeless and I was pretty much broke and without transportation. I was 21 when I had Rock, and I was learning a lot of life lessons at that time. I don't think I necessarily did anything wrong, I just wasn't doing anything particularly right. I didn't know what the right things were, though, and I think I lacked guidance, and support, and a mother when I really needed one.

I gave birth without any family present. And then it was just me and this tiny, hungry human who I was now responsible for. I cried after I had him because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I even thought that he might be better off with some other family, but a smart woman talked me out of that... one day I need to thank her. Mothering Definitely changed my life.

Rock and I grew together, and I figured in order to be a good mother, I would have to make sure that he got all of the things I was lacking. I refused to believe that I would "raise a moron" or any of the other negative things I heard. I just kept being the mother that he needed. And I didn't always know what I was doing, but I tried super hard. I still don't know how I made it work. (God had a hand in a lot of that...) Looking back, neither of us should be doing as awesome as we are, and yet, here we are. There's a bigger plan for him. 

One thing I know for sure is that being a mother saved my life. Rock made me try harder to be successful. Rock loved me when nobody else did, and he gave me a reason to press on when I felt like life was no longer worth living. He's almost an adult now, and the thought of him leaving breaks my heart. I've never lived one day of my adult life without him. But I do know that, as part of being a mother, I have to support him when he leaves too... 

One day he will have a wife and children of his own. He will have a career, probably in music, and he will own a home. He will be successful and people will look up to him. He has such a big heart, and I can see him helping any and everyone that he can. While I'm sad to see him go, part of me can't wait to see what kind of change he can make in this world! I can't imagine what Rock can't do to make this world a better place... all because he got love. -ND

Definitely Offended

I recently read this quote:

"Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up…." - Miguel Ruiz

I realized I was letting poisonous relationships wreck my confidence awhile ago. I was offended by things that had nothing to do with me. I took a lot of things personal. (Like if someone didn't call for awhile, or didn't text back, or walked past me without speaking, or didn't invite me.) I had a huge chip on my shoulder for a long time. I was Definitely Offended by what people said and did.

I recently began to work through the reasons why I was blaming myself for issues that were obviously not my fault. I remembered a time when my father told me, "Remember, it's your fault. It's always your fault." I'm not sure if that statement was in the context of something else... but that's the only part I can remember now. I think that resonated with me, and I carried it with me into my adult life. It ate me up. I took it personal. 

Now I can think back to many situations that I took personally, and I can see how none of them had anything to do with anything that I had done. I blamed myself for so many things, not thinking that the other person or people involved might have had some part in what was happening. The horrible names people called me, the time my apartment got robbed, or the time my car got broken into, or the time my tires got slashed. The time the manager at Del Taco hired me after he fired my friend, and she got mad with me. Or when that same manager fired me, a week later, and hired yet another friend of mine. That time I didn't make the SU track team. All those boys that broke up with me because of "this" or "that", or whatever. That time I wound up homeless for 6 months, or that time I didn't have formula for my son, and nobody would take me to the store. (Wait, that part was probably my fault, but I'll get to that later.) That time I was accused... and accused... and that other time I was accused. That time I was told that I would never amount to anything, that I would never be a good nurse, or that I was a horrible teacher...

You mean to tell me none of that was because of me?

What a relief! And I also understand that none of the positive things that were said or done to me were because of me either, and that's a relief as well. Less pressure to be this magical being that doesn't exist. I'm only human. One mortal human.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I've totally rid myself of any and all guilt and shame that I've ever felt just by reading one quote. It's a long process. But I will tell you that I am inspired and empowered by the notion that I cannot and do not control what other people do; that I can only react to those things. And how I choose to react will determine how happy I am. I'm learning how to not get offended. - ND