Definitely Hopeful

We spent Thanksgiving in Destin this year. I got a lot of thinking done. I caught almost every sunrise and sunset during our 4-day trip, each sunset taking with it the worries of the day, each sunrise ushering in a new day of hope. I watched the first sunrise with my daughters, thinking that each day is a blessing, and that tomorrow is not promised. And that I must remember to leave my "one and only grain of spiritual sand...".

Destin 2016, Thanksgiving, Photo taken by Nikky Def

On Black Friday, I took advantage of the sales and went shopping for a photo shoot that I'll be participating in soon. This was interesting because, I don't like shopping... in public. I don't like crowds. They make me nervous. And I hate trying things on because things never fit. So here we were, on Black Friday in the outlet mall in Destin, with about 8 BaJillion people. I made a concious decision, before getting out of the car, that I was going to get the photo shoot shopping done; I nearly gave up several times though. Finding something that fits a person my size, in stores that sell clothes for adult people, is challenging. (Has anyone else noticed how the pants sizes jump from 00 to size 8? HELLO!!! There's people in-between out here!!) With the help of my husband and kids, I made it through the shopping adventure without totally freaking out, and got everything I needed. And most importantly, without panic! I was very proud of myself.

Saturday was Bayou Classic. For those of you that don't know, that's the SWAC football game between Southern University & A&M College and Grambling State University. (Grambling may have won that football game, but the Jukebox is undefeated, and that is all I'm going to say about that.) Unfortunately, there was a shoot out after the game that night, and several people were shot. One person died. The next morning I learned that the person that was slain was a young man that I had just met last month. The same thing that lead me to him, lead me to the beach...

In August, there was a 500 year flood in Louisiana. Apparently there's a river not far from my house, and at 2 am on August 14th, it decided to come inside my house, and just about everyone else's house in and around Baton Rouge. I've been through a lot of things, but this was by far the most recent traumatic event. And with everything else I had going on at the time, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the reason I took a leave of absence from the DNP Program. It was the event that made me re-evaluate some life decisions. It was the turning point in my quest to discover the root cause of my anxiety/depression/disordered eating.

In October, I wrote "inhale exhale" on a piece of paper, with the NEDA symbol in between the two words. A couple weeks later, I met a young man in a tattoo shop, quiet but full of energy. A beautiful spirit. I asked him how long he had been tattooing, and he said not long, he was an apprentice. He said, "but I know what I'm doing." He smiled and I smiled back. I told him I love people who are learning, that I was a teacher. We had a nice talk while he worked. And when he was done, I had a beautiful tattoo, in my own handwriting. It made it that much more special. I promised to come back so that he could freshen up my 20 year old Nefertiti tattoo, he was so excited to be able to work on her, his joy was contagious. 

Living in a construction zone becomes unbearable at times, and the Holidays were coming up. My husband suggested we take a trip to Florida for the Thanksgiving holiday to get away from the house for awhile; we would just go to our happy place. We drove to Destin on Thanksgiving morning, and that night, I remember washing my hands and reading "inhale exhale", and thinking that I was so glad to be on vacation... I ate well those 4 days. I slept in a real bed. I put my clothes in the drawers. I used the closet. I put my toothbrush on the bathroom counter. I was thankful for those small things that we usually take for granted, those things I could no longer do at home. I was hopeful that we would be able to put our lives back together soon...

Sunday morning I read the sad news. Ten people were shot in New Orleans after the Classic, and one had died. The man that owned the tattoo shop I just visited said that it was someone within the "shop family". I thought, "please don't let it be him." But it was. The newspaper chose a picture of the young man smiling, at the beach, during what looked like a sunset... We packed to go home that morning. Before we left, we said goodbye to the beach like we always do before we head home. This time I said goodbye to the young artist too. Thanked him for sharing his talent with me. I only met him once, but he left a positive vibe that I'll never forget. I thought about how fleeting life is. Tomorrow is not promised. Each sunset takes with it the burdens of the day. Each sunrise ushers in a day of hope. I left the beach Definitely Hopeful... that I may leave positive vibes... that I may leave my one grain of spiritual sand, forever. - ND

"Forever is what I leave
My I-self contribution
Damn, what I'm gon' leave?
Ok...
I leave my one and only grain of spiritual sand

To universal scales of humanity
All humanity"

- Common's Dad, Finding Forever

Definitely Digging

Today was a pretty awesome day. I spent time with like-minded women that have goals and aspirations. I got to be part of a photo shoot... even though I hate taking pictures. And I went out to eat with people I've never eaten with before, my least favorite thing to do. I thought I felt comfortable enough to do so, and I did okay. Last night I had a panic attack. It was the first one I'd had in a while, and I don't even know what triggered it. Maybe stress. Maybe exhaustion. Maybe nothing at all. This time, while I was panicking, I tried the "four square" deep breathing technique. This is when you imagine that you're drawing a square, and you inhale for the first line, exhale for the next line, and so on. I learned for this to be effective, you CANNOT be in the middle of the attack. I was already experiencing numbness in my feet, palpitations, nausea (and general stomach upset), dizziness, and the room was starting to go dim. I sent my sister a text. "I'm having a panic attack", it said.

"I read something on what to do... Think of 5 things u can touch, 4 things you can feel, 3 things u can smell, 2 things you can taste... Are u ok??" By then I was starting to feel better. "Spell your name backward... in your head." I did. I felt much better after that.

As I calmed down, I realized that I couldn't remember what I was doing before the attack came on, and that bothered me. The more I tried to remember, the fuzzier the memory became. So I gave up. I started researching articles about how to get out of a panic attack. I also looked up articles about anxiety and memory loss. I found some interesting information (click on the links in this paragraph). But they were all missing a little something. None of them really seemed to pertain to me. Some missed the "why". Some had so much of the "why" it didn't have the "how" or the "what if" or the "gurl, you AIN'T crazy!" part. I especially need that last part.

Anyway, when I first decided to start a page for articles on this site, I was going to upload research articles and catalog them. Then I realized that this would be boring. I don't know too many people that want to read research articles, I don't even enjoy reading them that much. Then I thought maybe I could find a Master's prepared person to submit articles, but then there's the whole timeline thing, and I would have to still  have to read the articles; and who would be qualified... who... who... whooooooo... And then it occurred to me that I am both Master's prepared and qualified to research the information! And write the article!

Me. 

So I'll be Definitely Digging for information about eating disorders, disordered eating, anxiety, and depression, and I'll be sharing these articles with all of you. If you don't see a blog for a little while, that's why.

Stay tuned.... New page coming soon!

Definitely Growing

So now that you know some of the back-story, here's some perspective on my current life situation. My house flooded 3 months ago tomorrow. Two-thirds of my family have been sleeping on air mattresses since the flood. We have no (adult size) appliances and most of our personal items were destroyed. While my husband has been attempting to do a lot of the reconstruction of our home, I've been trying to reconstruct myself confidence. Before the flood, I'd just started working on a Doctoral degree in nursing, and I was recruited to work with an insurance company as an RN case manager. I had just started my own business and was working on building a clientele. So being a mom, wife, student, business owner, and learning a new job at the same time was pretty stressful.

Add in waking up to water rushing into your home at 2 am, and you've got yourself a full blown nervous breakdown. 

I withdrew from my classes; took a leave of absence from school. I took a hiatus from my business. I quit eating, my clothes got bigger. I was in denial about the house. I ignored projects. I cried when my flooded vehicle was towed away. I had an extra margarita as I cried, openly, at Chili's. I had nightmares for weeks. I could hear water coming into the house, waves crashing on the walls outside. I would wake up and look around at my house with no walls. I was falling apart.

So I got some help. I found a counselor.

I told my mom, dad, and sister that I had gotten a counselor.

"For what?"

I told a friend, she laughed.

I knew that seeking help for mental health issues was not something that people of color normally did... but I never imagined I would get so much backlash. Despite all of the outside noise, I listened to the now screaming voice inside my head that was saying, "YOU HAVE TO GO!". So I went. Talking about myself every Monday night for an hour isn't always the most fun thing to do, and sometimes I don't even want to go. One night my husband asked me if it was working. I told him I didn't know. I'm assuming it's one of those things that you just have to wait out.

During one visit, my counselor (we will call her Mrs. J), asked me a rhetorical question, or at least I thought it was meant to be rhetorical... she asked, "why do you think it's reasonable for you to do all of those things when you wouldn't advise someone else to do it?" Welp. I can tell you that this isn't something that just happened overnight, okay? Being a mom and wife, all of my adult life, became the norm for me. Throw in school, and I had myself something to do outside the home. I graduated and started working in my career field. So then I was a working mother. I excelled in my field of work, so I felt it was time to back to school. So then I was a mom, with a full-time job, and taking a full load in a Master's Degree program. Add on the fact that my husband got deployed (again), making me (technically) a single mother, with a full-time job, taking a full load of classes, plus I was lonely and worried. ADD IN extracurricular activities for the kids so they wouldn't get bored, and carpooling other mother's kids around, and I had pretty much figured out how to be 20 places at once, on no sleep at all. It was the gradual progression of things that got me in the spot I am today, so it never occurred to me that it was too much until it was too late. 

After taking some time to think all this through, I returned to Mrs. J's office a week later and said, "I don't want to compete with myself anymore. I'm tired." I feel like I am Definitely Growing. When I took a leave of absence from school after the flood, I was so disappointed with myself for not being able to continue. Now, I look back and can't remember why I even went back to school. Was it because I needed to keep up with others? Was my Master's Degree not good enough? I've accepted the fact that a Doctoral Degree is not going to happen right now. I am okay with taking time for myself. I'm learning to be patient with myself, as I am still growing. I am eating at least 2 meals a day. Probably not the best food, but I'm eating. I keep a journal, mostly because I love the way pencil lead sounds on rough paper. I painted my office purple, my favorite color, and now I have the confidence to paint the rest of the house. I feel better. I hope that I'm continuing down a path to self-improvement, and away from the path of self-destruction. I hope that I will continue to grow. - ND